To all the nice guys.

As requested by Tristan Benedict. I wrote this one night after listening to a friend whine about things. I felt like he needed a little bit of inspiration.

For all the nice guys:

This is a tribute to all the nice guys. The nice guys who finish last,
that never become more than friends. That endure hours of whining and
moaning about what dicks guys are, while disproving the very point.
This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean
on while restraining themselves to a tentative hug. Those guys who
hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently
outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of
the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/funny/smart
their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know
most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of those guys
with open minds, laid-back attitudes, and honest concern. This is in
honor of those guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy
to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys that escort their drunk, bewildered female
friends from parties and never take advantage once they're at her
door. For the guys that accompany the girl to Denny's as buffers against
the rest of the creepy male population. For the guys who know a girl
is fishing for compliments but gives them out anyway. The guys who
play by the rules when the rules favor cheaters. For the guys who are
accredited as boyfriend material but somehow never end up being
boyfriends. For the nice guys that are overlooked, underestimated and
under-appreciated. For all the nice guys who are manipulated, mislead,
and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time when she left 40 urgent messages on your phone,
and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly
dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And
even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you
assured her that it was all OK and she shouldn't worry about it. This
is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you've ever
orchestrated in Halo 3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked
her and the guy that she thinks is the most repulsive person in the
world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing
against the guy, you paused your game for two hours and helped devise
a counter rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that
time when she didn't have a date, and after numerous vows that there
was nothing "serious" between you two, she dragged you to a party
where you knew nobody, the food was awful, and she flirted shamelessly
with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to
everyone "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were
invited purely as a symbolic warm body to her ego, you went anyways.
Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And, perhaps
more disturbingly, the nice guy doesn't find himself in a relationship
as often as he should. And I wish I could logically explain this
trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus, and from what
I have learned from friends at other schools and in the work place, is
that many girls are just illogical, manipulative people. Many of them
say they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a
specimen, they say irrational, confusing things, like "oh, he's too
nice to date" or "He would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or
the most frustrating of all, "No, it would ruin our friendship." Yet,
they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they
expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize
for the men that are jerks. Sorry guys, girls like that are beyong my
ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks
between what they say (I just want date a nice guy!) and what they do
(I'm going to date this complete jerk now!). But one thing I can do,
is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last
forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of
thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking
them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even
trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice
guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself
as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs
you patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your
party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty
smile. For all the crazy, insane, absurd things you tolerate. For all
the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my
accolades, my acknowledgment, and my gratitude go out to you. You do
have credibility in this society, and your well-deserved vindication
is coming.